Mysterious creatures lurk amongst board gaming folk. As our hobby grows in popularity it will attract all sorts of characters. Here is a handy list to help you and your kids discern certain undesirables and know what you can do about them.

The Magpies – These rare creatures are attracted to shiny new components and cards. Luckily, board games are not collectible in monetary value, making them less attractive. Nevertheless, always be watchful of your things at events and gatherings.

AP Walkers – These creatures are inflicted with the AP (Analysis Paralysis) virus. The AP virus infects the brain of the gamer, slowing them down to a near halt. Fortunately, people with AP are not infectious. Most people with APv are affected temporarily. If people tell you to take your turn faster, you may have AP. Focusing on your actions before your turn may improve AP. If AP virus symptoms persist consult your board game doctor.

The Benders – These folk look like normal human beings, but in their mind they feel like professional poker players. The have an incessant need to bend cards, especially around the edges. To them it feels cool and natural. Calling their attention assertively is a good start. Note that it has been a habit for them and they may not be able to turn around just like that.

Howler Monkeys – Playing games is fun and often emotionally exhilarating, at times sending people shouting with glee. However, there are creatures that have beyond normal human voices. Their ear splitting screeches break ceramic dice to powder. What’s worse is that they seem to travel in packs, often playing “who’s the loudest monkey?!” side game.

Giving organizers a heads up regarding the noise level helps, but it will only lessen momentarily, til the next failed dice roll once again threatens the peace.

The Douche – In any type of competition, one always finds an overly competitive hobbyist that seems to know it all. They are experts of board game design, gaming lore and literature, able to hold whole tournaments in their head. They will not let any opportunity pass without voicing out their comments about anything in the hobby, most of which is negative. It is odd that while they have all this knowledge, they can’t seem to translate it to playing well.

So what do you do when you encounter this creature in the wild? It’s simple: stay far away.

Rules Police – Distant relative of the Douche, Rules Police are more reserved creatures. They cringe upon hearing the word house rules or variants. If they play a game, they frequently request for the rulebook on every action other players take, making sure that the way you played the game is correct to the letter. It is heart-breaking for them to have played a game where a rule was misread.

So if you know these people, make sure you rehearse how you teach your game. Better yet, have them teach it for you, just be ready for highly detailed instruction.

The Connoisseur – Ever hear, “Oh our group doesn’t play train games” or perhaps, “We don’t play Munchkin.” if so, you have met a Connoisseur. A closer relative to the Douche, they fully believe they are doing the world a favour by telling everyone how much they not like certain game genres.

If you are a new comer to the hobby, kindly ignore them. Our hobby is about enjoying whatever game interests you.

Swamp Thing – These creatures’ power is their powerful odour. The musk can be strong enough to induce AP migraines. They are often seen in the pro tours flocking together with their black shirt uniform, binders under the armpit and backpacks.

If that person is a friend, then privately telling them nicely about their stench might help them to be more aware. More often than not, you will just have to keep distance.

The Texter – Have you ever played a game where a player kept delaying the game because they were texting? Texters, whenever it is not their turn, instantly look at their phone, scrolling through social streams, posting hashtags about the game their playing. This is rampant especially in younger players. It is not yet known if it’s a stage, but there are occurrences of these traits in some older players.

If you have someone like this in your group, talking to them about it helps. Try asking them questions out-of-turn to pull them back whenever they drift back to their mobiles.

Alpha Gamer – A new class of gamers that have synapses of their brains optimized for board gaming they can see the best possible path within seconds. Now that is a great advantage for winning a lot of games, however, in board games there is a popular genre – cooperative games. Alpha Gamers are terrible players here. They will call people’s attention if their teammates’ action is sub-optimal, and will often insist playing their turn! The rest of the group falls into the conundrum of following what the Alpha Gamer decides, or sabotaging the entire game. Either way, no one has fun.

Talking to an Alpha Gamer before the game about keeping their suggestions at a minimum is an effective strategy. In reality you need their ideas to win the game; it’s just more enjoyable if players are discovering it themselves, or at least, made to think like they did so on their own.

Written by: Ronald Villaver
Edited by: Reg Tolentino